Its been awhile since I have had an anxiety attack but I sure let myself cry while milking the goat. I found myself bawling and praying to Adonai while my mind goes crazy. Everything just became too much for me.
I snapped at my son after coming back from the dental office, I haven’t been to see dentist for awhile and I didn’t leave with great news. I was given the news that I had 8 cavities which would cost me 3k to fix, the cavities are all on the sides of the tooth. I also was told that I have gingivitis and I am not surprised. I don’t know where I would get 3k for getting my cavities fixed but either way I feel foolish for not taking care of my health.
I have been dealing with a major sweet tooth, I went through a big bag of Reese Pieces and KitKat bars than proceeded to eat my son’s candy corn that was to encourage him to use the toilet. I am paying for it with the cavities, and I know its not healthy for me but seem to not stop.
I have been trying to do a no spending challenge in my home and the last 4 days I have spent money and it isn’t a small amount. I can’t seem to keep to a challenge and honestly I feel like a failure.
I am finding that I no longer want to go the gym an find that maybe its time to cancel my membership. I am not sure that I am made to be in the fitness world and that I just need to focus on other things in my life.
My youngest boy is no longer sleeping decently and I am not handling it very well since he was sleeping like a champ. I feel like I have failed at motherhood!
I can’t seem to get my house to ever be clean or organized. I have seen my room be the dumping ground and the upstairs bedroom which should be the office as storage. There is no proper place for things in my home. I wanted to move our bedroom upstairs and office down stairs but I can’t since my husband loves being downstairs.
I have been trying to get my blog post up for a couple days but our internet has not worked well. I found that I am struggling with getting my home page up like I want and feel hopeless. The point of my blog is to share what I am learning in the bible and along my journey in my faith but I sure can’t seem to get words on a page about it.
I told my husband that I think that I should shut done my blog and focus on my sons and taking care the home. He feels that I do a good job but I put so much more time in my blog than I should and neglecting what is important. I don’t know if this was Hashem had planned for me especially since there is people out there that does so much better than I can and is much more successful at it. I really don’t feel that I am on the plan for succeeding at this moment.
I have also been dealing with being lonely, I am terrible at making friends and keeping them. I can’t seem to connect with anyone where ever I go, even if I put myself out there. I barely talk to my old friends and If I do it doesn’t feel like there is anything there for us to connect with.
I do see the blessings and I know that I am just dealing with Anxiety and not postpartum depression. I just need to get past these hurdles that has been placed in my life. I am not really sure what I am going or what is in the plans anymore. I know that I need to rely on YHVH to guide me but its hard.